"I never did anything to hurt you."

Medford.

Arrived Sunday night after a full day of driving filled with me in a panic and wanting to sick up.

Went to my grandparents' house. My dad answered the door and I didn't recognize him. Hugs and "I've missed you so much" all around. Felt very detached. He had the full water works going, apologies and love and such. Managed to become numb, hollow, and in desperate need of a smoke and a shot.

Disappointed? No. Did I have expectations? No. They haven't invented words for right now.

I got nothing. Here's what I journaled last night, maybe it will make sense.

04/13

Sitting outside thinking "I can see my breath" and doing that awkward thing where you open your mouth, form a wide circle, and push out all the air in your lungs. Like a kid in the snow. Cold air rushes in and it burns. I'm staring at an empty street, full stomach, organs reacting all wrong, skipping beats like stones. Feeling haunted but I don't believe in ghosts, so even my thoughts are all wrong. I'm sitting like this, with a salt and pepper cat at my feet, and I'm waiting for a car to drive up. Get bored of seeing my own breath and realize, "Who the fuck am I waiting for?". The chair is cold, my fingers are numb, but I can't shake this feeling. This thought that someone is coming. Any minute I'll hop in the passenger seat, rubbing frozen hands together that sound like sandpaper but don't feel at all. It'll be warm inside and we'll smile at eachother. I'll look back at the now empty chair, the still and lonely cat next to it, the half cigarette left burning in the ashtray. Any second it will happen but the street is still empty and the only sound here is the obnoxious tinkle of windchimes. The lights are on inside the houses and the news is on behind me, but no one is coming and Mr. Salt and pepper is cold. I'm outside of it, haunted by more than ghosts and today you said "I never did anything to hurt you" with my name tagged on for emphasis. If I could have made a sound without having to feel too much I would have told you. I would have pushed my words into your ear. I would have repeated until you had to believe it, "You just did".